What was meant for you will never pass you by, and what was meant to pass you by will never reach you.
That is the most comforting thought ever.
All praise is for Allaah who has created everything with precision and absolute wisdom. Far removed is He from all imperfections.
“I sat at the gate of my heart and let no one except God in.”
Imam Ali (a.s.)
Wa’alaykumussalam Kah :”> I am. Alhamdulillah. Hope u feel the same.
Shaikh’ah Umm Abdir Rahman Al-Imaam Al-Yemeniyyah (May Allâh preserve her) started by praising Allâh and sending peace and blessings upon the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) and she said that this topic is indeed an important one and she said she will try to advise us within the hour. She gave us the topic on the traits of the believing woman and how she should act with her husband.
She began by saying, marriage is a blessed union between a man and a woman and it’s through marriage the man and the woman become Halal for each other, and everything between them, from talking to touching to starting a family, through marriage becomes permissible for them. And through marriage, the man and the woman start the long trip of life in which they help each other, complement each other, and assist each other, and they are in need of each other, and Allâh said:
“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy”. (Ar-Rum :21)
So this relationship is a divine relationship, because Allâh created the man for the woman and the woman for the man. And they meet each other upon love and understanding and with a desire to help each other, to perfect their manners and their imperfections for the other person. And it’s through marriage the Muslim family is built and it’s through marriage the Muslim community gets strengthened.
And the woman has a big role in that and she (May Allâh have preserve her) mentioned the hadeeth, where the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
“The world is a provision and the best provision is a righteous wife.”
So a righteous wife is a great blessing because he dwells with her and he finds comfort with her, and he finds with her things that he wouldn’t be able to find with anyone else. So the question comes; How can you be the best provision for your husband, so that you are honored, loved and sheltered by your husband?
This is by taking the qualities of a righteous wife. So who is the righteous wife?She is the wife who is obedient to her husband so long as this obedience is not in disobedience to Allâh, and she is a wife who is keen to please her husband always. And she is also happy with him despite what he doesn’t have. So she doesn’t look to what he does not have whether its money or stuff he can’t afford or the qualities he doesn’t have. But rather she looks at what he does have and she is pleased with that. And the Prophet said,
“The traits of the woman of this world who goes to paradise is that they are patient and they have Isha when they serve their husband”
This means they try to serve their husband and their homes in the most perfect way, and one great example for us is that of Fatimah Az-Zahra (May Allah be pleased with her), the daughter of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) and the wife of Ali ibn Abi Tâlab (May Allah be pleased with him).
She was always working hard in the house, always making bread and carrying water from the well to her house, and cleaning her house, to the point that her hands grew calluses. And when a group of servants were distributed amongst the Muslims, and her husband said to her; “Go to your father, and request a servant to help you”. So she went to her father, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), and asked him for a servant.
And he told her to go back and he came to her while she was in bed with her husband and he said to her, be patient and tend to your house, and he said, should I not teach you something better than what you asked, he said, when you are in bed say, “Subhânahu Allâh” 33 times, ‘Alhamdulillah’ 33 times, and ‘Allâhu Akbar’ 34 times, she said she continued upon doing that, and they never left this Dhikr once they learned it from the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him).
And another example of a righteous wife who is keen on severing her husband and her house no matter how much fatigue she went through, is Asmaa bint Abi Bakr, the wife of Zubayr (May Allah be pleased with them), and she said that Zubayr was poor, did not have wealth or a slave or anything else, he only had a horse, camel and she used to graze his horse and provided it with food and looked after it and grounded dates for his camel.
And besides that, I used make arrangements to provide its water and patch up its leather bucket and knead the flour. And I wasn’t good at baking breads, so my female neighbour used to make the bread for me and I used to carry the seeds from Zubayrs’ lands which the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) gave to him, and it was a distance of two miles from Medina and she used to make this trip every day.
And this was in her old age and despite this, she did this every day until one day the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) sent her a servant who took care of the horse for her, and once the servant took care of the horse, she felt like she was emancipated.
So despite the house work she was doing, she did not complain. And she took care of her husband and home to the best of her ability. And this is how the Sahâbiyyât were and this is how they served their husbands and the righteous believing women should do the same and she should know the rights of the husband upon her, because his rights upon her are great, as the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said,
“If he could order any human to make sujud to another human he would have ordered the woman to make sujud to her husband due to the rights he has upon her.”
Subhânahu Allâh!, the Shaikah asked, Do we remember this? Do we remember this when we interact with our husbands? That their rights upon us are so great that this is what the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) would have ordered.
And she mentioned that “Aisha (May Allah be pleased with her) asked the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) who has the greatest right upon a woman, he said, her husband and then she asked who has the greatest right upon a man, he said, his mother.”
In another hadeeth she mentioned,
“A woman came to the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) for a need, and when he finished tending to her need, he asked her, “Are you married?”, she said, “Yes”, he (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “How are you with your husband?”, she said, “I fulfil his rights except what I can’t do”, so he said to her, “Look to how you are with him, because he is your paradise and he is your hell.”
So the Shaikh’ah (May Allâh preserve her) said, Subhânahu Allâh!, how can you hear this sisters, and still fall short to your responsibilities to your husbands and homes? And everything you do, should be first seeking the reward of Allâh, and don’t make it just to please your husbands, but make it first seeking the reward of Allâh, so you get rewarded for what you do.
And she (May Allâh preserve her) said that, the women of the past knew their obligations very well, whereas women of today, they are ignorant of the rights and obligations their husbands have over them. But that when a woman takes care of her husband and house, this is the mark of the true woman.And it is an obligation upon a woman to do what pleases her husband and to stay away from his displeasure. And so that’s another trait of the believing wife and that she should know how to win the heart of her husband, and this is part of the intelligence of the wife.
And so a good wife also helps her husband in his deen, and also helps him attain best manners, and best manners aren’t what you show toward your community, but your best manners are what you show toward your family, especially, your husband. And we will be asked about our manners towards our husbands and we will be rewarded if our manners toward him were good and punished if our manners toward him were bad.
And another trait is that the woman should respond to is the call of her husband if he calls her to the bed, and she should never turn him away, because this is something that will bring happiness to the married life, because obedience to the husband leads a woman to Jannah.
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
“If a woman prays her five prayers, fast the month of Ramadan and obeys her husband, and protects her private parts, she will be ordered to enter Jannah by any doors she pleases”.
And this is what we seek. We seek Jannah for obeying our husbands; this is a small price for Jannah.
And then she told of a Sahâbiyyât, she knew how to reach the heart of her husband, the Sahâbiyyât was Umm Sulaym (May Allah be pleased with her), he [i.e. her husband] was one of the ten who was promised Jannah, and they had a son, who was very sick, and Abu Talha (May Allah be pleased with him) used to ask about him every day, and one day he was away and the son died, and she told the members of the family, do not tell this news to Abu Talha until I tell him.
So Abu Talha came home, she prepared dinner, he took it, while he did that, she adorned herself in a way that she had not done before, so she came to him, and they had intercourse that night, and when they were done she said to him, Abu Talha, if some people borrowed a jug or jars from another family,and the family asked for it, so would they have right to refuse? He said no, so she said, I must inform you of the death of your son, so be patient, and he was annoyed and he said you didn’t tell me about this until I had intercourse with you and you later gave me information of my son.
So he went to the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) to complain about this and the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said to him, may Allâh bless both of you in the night that you spent and she became pregnant and she gave birth to a son who became a Hafith of Qur’ân, and that son had many other righteous children. So this woman was a smart woman who knew how to break the news to her husband. And because of her intelligence, Allâh blessed both of them with much good, because of the way she dealt with the situation.
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said,
“Should I not tell you of your women in paradise, and the Sahâba said, “Yes”, he said, “Al-walul [woman who is very fertile] and Al-wadud [woman who is very loving toward her husband]”
and he said,
“The woman of paradise if she angers her husband, she says to her husband, here is my hands in yours, and I will not blink an eye until you are pleased me”.
So another trait of the righteous wife is that she doesn’t leave her husband to sleep until he is pleased with her. And this causes a happy life and this is one of the praise worthy traits of the believing woman. And it is hard but never the less one of the rewards for it is Jannah.
Because it is one of the traits of the women of Jannah, that they do not sleep until their husbands are pleased with them. And she (May Allâh preserve her) re-emphasized the importance of responding to the call of the husband if he calls her to his bed. And she mentioned the hadeeth where the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said,
“If a man calls his wife to the bed, and she doesn’t respond, and he sleeps while he is mad at her, then the angels curse her until he awakes.”
And this again goes back to the husband sleeping while he is angry with his wife. And in this case, this La’na [i.e. curse] is very dangerous and something that we should fear.
And the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said,
“By the one in whose hand is my soul [so the Prophet swore an oath that shows the severity] no man calls his wife to the bed and she refuses, except that those in heaven are angry with her until he is pleased with her.”
So the anger of the husband also angers those in the heaven for the wife, so the curse of those in the heavens is upon the disobedient woman. So the Shaikh’ah (May Allâh preserve her) reminded us that marriage in Islâm is full of responsibilities and the woman must answer the call of her husband. And she should do this, no matter when and where, except if she has a valid excuse like she is on her period.
And the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said,
“A woman must respond to the call of her husband even if she was at the back of the riding beast or at the oven”.
So there isn’t any excuse in not answering the call of your husband even if you are busy and tired, still you are commanded to respond to the call of your husband. And Islâm allows the man to marry a woman and in return she has to obey him and she must protect him from fitnah, and the way to do this is by answering his call.
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said,
“If a man sees a woman outside of his home and he feels something in him, [i.e. feels attracted to her], he should come to his wife because that will take away what he felt”.
So if a man sees an adorned woman, especially in our time, when there are women barely wearing anything, she (May Allâh preserve her) said, if he feels something and he needs relief, then the responsibility of the wife is to respond to the call of her husband, and help him protect his eyes and protect his private parts.
And by not doing this, it is very dangerous as well as disobedient. So then she (May Allâh preserve her) mentioned the ways we can be obedient to our husbands.
First: We should not fast outside of Ramadan without his permission. So if you are going to fast a voluntary fast, then you must take your husband’s permission.
Second: Not to let anyone into your husband’s house, except with his permission.
Third: Not to spend his money without his permission. You are allowed to give Saadiqah with his money without his permission but if you give Saadiqah with his money without him knowing, he gets a share of the reward.
So the Muslimah has to understand and be constant in giving her husband what he wants so that she can live a happy life in the Dunya, and she gets rewarded when she meets Allâh, because this is our Islâmic responsibility.
Our Islâmic responsibilities are not to work or to be outside, or teaching the people, or making money. Rather, our Islâmic responsibilities are our house and our children.
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said,
“All of you are shepherds and all of you are responsible for your flock”.
So the woman is a shepherd and she is responsible for her house and her children.So this is the responsibility that Allâh has given to the woman and it takes precedence over all other responsibilities.
So you must care for your children, your house, and your husband,because you will be asked about this. And by taking care of your house, your children,and your husband, it adorns you in front of your husband’s eyes and he will find you to be beautiful. And by knowing that you are the woman, not the man, you should not involve yourself in your husband’s affairs or try to take his place, and you need to show him his importance to you. And the example she (May Allâh preserve her) gave was how Ayesha (may Allah be pleased with her) used to take care of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him).
She used to clean his clothes before he went to prayer if they were dirty. She used to put perfume on him before he went out to prayer. She used to obey him and serve him, and she used to pour water on his head when he took Ghushul. She used to wash his head for the Ghushul and she was consistent in this, because she knew that obedience to her husband is something serious and is a command from Allâh.
She (May Allâh preserve her) gave an example of one of the Tabe’yeen’s who her daughter was getting married and was about to leave the house of her father to go to the house of her husband. And before she left her, she [e.g. the mother] said to her daughter;
“Oh! My daughter, if it were necessary to give this advice to you because of good manners or because of noble decent, then it would be unnecessary for me to give this advice to you for you possess these qualities. But it will serve as a reminder for those who are forgetful and help those who are wise.
So Oh! My daughter, if a woman was able to do without her husband by virtue of her father’s wealth and by need of her father,then you of all people would be the most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men, just as they were created for them.
”She said; “Oh! My daughter you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, and first learned how to walk to go to a place that you do not know, and to a companion that you are unfamiliar with. By marrying you, he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will be like a servant to you”.
So the Shaikh’ah (May Allâh preserve her) said; “By you humbling yourself in front of your husband, and not being like a slave but in fulfilling his rights, and trying to serve him, and showing him that serving him pleases you, then it will make him feel motivated to be the same way to you.”
So the mother said;
“Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you.
The First and Second: Is to be content with his company and listen to him and obey him, for content brings peace of mind and listening and obeying him pleases Allâh.
So the Shaikh’ah (May Allâh preserve her) said, if you are content with your husband, instead of looking to the qualities he doesn’t have, and looking at the qualities that other men have, by being content with your husband this causes tranquillity in your heart, so you are at peace, and by obeying him, this obedience is not just to your husband but to Allâh.
The Third and Fourth: Is that you make sure you look good and you smell good. So he should not see anything ugly in you and he should not smell anything but pleasant smells from you, and kohl is the best type of beautification, and water is better than the rarest of perfume.
So the Shaikh’ah (May Allâh preserve her) said that we should be keen in adorning ourselves for our husbands, and make sure that we smell good and look good and being prepared for them when they come home or at bed time and so on.
The Seventh and Eighth: Is to take care of his servants, children, and take care of his wealth. For taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.
The Ninth and Tenth: Is that you should never disclose any of his secrets and never disobey any of his orders. For if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you. So if you spread your husband’s secrets, then he might betray your secrets,and if you disobey him it will make him angry and make the marriage life very straining.
So the Shaikh’ah’s (May Allâh preserve her) last advice was that we must be grateful for the blessings of marriage, and now we must care for our husbands and give them their rights. And be patient during whatever we might endure, and that the Muslim woman must be good and generous with her husband’s family, and respect them, especially the ones closest to him, which is his mother, and this is part of obedience to her husband,and this is part of living with him in a good way.
And she (May Allâh preserve her) again brought up the [example] of the wife of Abu Talha (May Allah be pleased with them both), who knew what she could do to get close to her husband, and how to break the bad news to him, and she did it.
She also said, of course the woman has rights over her husband, and the man has to be in charge of her in a good way, and that is for another lecture, insha-Allâh.
And it’s very important for us to make our husbands feel appreciated the way that Ayesha (May Allah be pleased with her) made her husband feel appreciated. When he stayed away from his wives, he swore to stay away from his wives for one month, and when he came to her on the twenty ninth day, she said to him;
“It is the twenty ninth day, only, not the thirtieth, because I have been counting the days.”
So he told her; “This month is only twenty nine days.”
So her statement showed him that she was counting the days and the hours to be with him again.
And there are many other examples from the Sahâbiyyât which we should, insha-Allâh, research and study, and there are many things we can do to make the husband feel love and attachment to the wife, and above all, look for the evidences in the Qur’ân and Sunnah, and ask for the help of Allâh.
And the Shaikh’ah (May Allâh preserve her) gave her Salaam to all of the sisters, and thanked us for giving her the opportunity to give the lecture, and by giving the lecture, she as well as us can learn and try to implement what we have learned together.